


Where Do We Go From Here

by sufferingbisexual



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mention of Past Abuse, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-16
Updated: 2017-06-16
Packaged: 2018-11-14 21:51:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sufferingbisexual/pseuds/sufferingbisexual
Summary: My take on what happened at the end of 2x12.





	Where Do We Go From Here

**Author's Note:**

> I still hope that the show will show Magnus dealing with what happened to him, but this is just my idea/take on what happened that first night after him and Valentine switched back. It's just a quick one-shot but I had this idea stuck in my head and needed to write it.

Alec and Magnus sat in silence, and for the first time since they had been together the silence wasn’t a comfort. How would it be, Magnus has just been tortured while in Valentine’s body for hours. Alec felt the guilt of not believing Magnus weigh on his shoulders. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to do. He kept sneaking small glances at the beautiful warlock. His breath hitched slightly when he noticed that Magnus was still shaking ever so slightly. He wanted to say something, anything but the words wouldn’t escape his lips.

Suddenly the ring of Alec’s phone startled them both. Alec shoots a quick apologetic glance at Magnus before answering the phone.

“Hey – Yeah I am with Magnus. Can it wa – okay.” Alec hung up with a frustrated sigh.

“Inquisitor needs to –“

Magnus cut him off before he could finish. “I understand. Go, I’ll be fine Alexander.”

Alec noticed the fake smile Magnus gave which made the knot in this stomach twist even tighter. “Magnus I can stay. Or I can always come right back after. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

“I know. Go. You can call me later.”

Alec got up to leave. Awkwardly not knowing what to do. Normally he would give Magnus a kiss but he didn’t want to invade his space, he didn’t know if his boyfriend would even want him to. So he gave a slight smile and with that he left the loft.

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When the door to the loft closed behind Alec, Magnus didn’t know if he was sad or relieved. Honestly he didn’t know how he felt at all. He did know he needed a drink and something stronger than normal. He went to his liquor cabinet and grabbed the one he knew would help him forget. Forget the sight of his mother lying lifeless on the ground. Forget the sound of him screaming out for her. Forget the feeling of water entering his lungs when his stepfather had tried to drown him.

After taking the first long drink he noticed tears coming down his face and began to feel angry. He had spent a large part of his many years moving on from this, letting these memories go took work and a lot of pain. Now here he is, back to where he started. Everything he had spent years trying to forget rushing back into his body like a sickness.

He laid back on to the couch and continued drinking. Hoping the inevitable wash of darkness will consume him faster than unusual. Normally Magnus doesn’t allow himself to get drunk to the point of forgetfulness, but tonight he welcomes that feeling like an old friend. He caught a glimpse of himself in the glass of the bottle in his hand. A part of him wanted to break every reflective surface of this place. Instead he opted for a shower. Avoiding the mirror, he stripped off his clothes and made a mental note to burn them later. Stepping into the shower he knew that the water was too hot, the slight burn felt welcoming though. He stood there, water beating on his back, and steam filling up the room. He closed his eyes, and flashes of everything came back gain. His mother lying in a pool of her own blood. His fault. He was a demon. She couldn’t bear it. Him fleeing from his stepfather.

Opening his eyes, he let out a piercing scream mixed with frustration and anger. Would he ever be the same? Will his mother and his past haunt him every time he closed his eyes? Why didn’t anyone believe him? Why did they have to keep using the agony rune even though he begged them to stop?

Magnus didn’t bother getting dressed. He walked into his bedroom with his almost empty liquor bottle in hand and stood there looking around. He just wanted to feel normal again, feel like he belonged to himself. Falling onto his bed, the darkness he had longed for began swallowing him whole. He didn’t even remember drifting asleep.

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Magnus startled awake. He felt a hand touch his arm. “Hey – it’s okay”.

It took a moment for his eyes focused on the body next to him. Alec’s beautiful hazel eyes bore into him with a mixture of confusion and worry. Magnus tried to remember him coming over, or even going to bed last night.

Seemingly understanding what he was thinking about Alec answered. “You didn’t answer when I tried to call. I came over just to check on you but you were passed out on your bed and – well – I guess I just wanted to be here. Just in case you needed me or anything really.”

Magnus took a deep breath in. His headache hitting him full force. So, he laid back down, still facing his boyfriend.

“Magnus, I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t even know if I can.” Magnus watched as Alec swallowed hard, he looked like he was choosing his words carefully. “I love you. I will be here however you need me okay. I promise whatever you need or don’t need. I just – I love you.”

Magnus felt like he wanted to cry. He didn’t know how to fix this either. He didn’t know if anyone could. Maybe something like this wasn’t fixable, maybe it would just take time. What he did know is that he was grateful for Alec in that moment. Magnus looked at his face, it was etched with concern, his eyes spilling with love and of a night spent of no sleep. He wanted to tell him it would be okay, that he will be okay. But he also didn’t want to lie to him.

Magnus took Alec’s hand into his. “Breakfast would be a good place to start.”

Magnus was facing a lot of uncertainty. The memories he had worked hard to bury now right at the surface, the pain and agony he felt still sitting into his bones. Alec’s love for him felt like a warm spot among the cold. It may not be enough to completely fix this, but it was something for Magnus to cling to when he felt like losing all hope.


End file.
